*was reminded to do something while scrolling. kept scrolling. forgot what I was going to do*
i have watched this video well over 200 times & ive laughed every single fucking time
//I’ve never understood how someone’s mood can change so quickly until I experienced it first hand. It must have been years ago, probably after a soccer game. The rush and excitement from winning a game was draped over me and I walked across the field after the game to catch up with my parents so they could drive me home. My dad, being the man he was back then, must have commented on how I only scored two goals instead of three. Or how I almost let a girl get past me. Or how I could have done better. Yes, I know I wasn’t the star player. Our whole team together made for a star team. We were all good. I was good. But of course, I wasn’t good enough.
Good enough for what? We were a good team- we had always been a good team, and I loved playing soccer. Nothing was better in my life than being able to go and play soccer all of the time. So why would it bother me that it wasn’t enough for someone else? I was scared of my father growing up and was never, ever close with him. His opinion still mattered to me in the fact that all I wanted was for him to be proud of me. The first thing I got to choose for myself: I wanted to play soccer, that was my choice. But it was never enough.
I was never enough.
Soccer came to an end during my senior year. I chose not to play the summer following graduation and that choice had yet again become something not good enough. I joined the team that summer during districts and state, and ended up winning state for the second year in a row- still not good enough. I went off to college where I decided on not playing soccer- I had a bum knee and we never scouted me out. Not good enough. My choices were never good enough.
Eventually I was away long enough to where he couldn’t question my every decision, my every choice on things in my life. Finally I was away from all of that. But I came back after a decision to not return to school spring semester. He was understanding and I think happy I was back at home. Things between us were better, he was better.
But my worthlessness started to show in other areas of my life. Attempts made and attempts failed over and over throughout this year in almost every aspect of my life. Regardless, things in my life were better than they had been. Things weren’t sucky all of the time. I got to experience happiness and keep it for longer than the few hours of being at a show.
But things in my life have slowed down, become repetitious, and have started to make for a boring life. Similar things everyday: Work, passing out before 10pm and eating food. No time to watch tv, no time to sit and chat with friends anymore, no time to write blogs the way I used to write them, no time for time. I don’t even have time to sit and sort out my emotions to the point where things have just become “good”. Such a broad word, broad feeling, but there’s not enough time in the day to figure out what I’m really feeling.
Today is my first day off in 6 days. 6 days of waking up early, working 9 hours, coming home, eating and passing out. 6 days of an “emotionless good” life. Finally, a day to rest and sort out my never ending “to do” list, plan out what needs to be done in the next two weeks, and find the time to have some sort of a social life. Instead, I came home from shopping with a friend to get yelled out for the house smelling like gas due to my dad not being smart enough to check if the stove actually lit and didn’t just have gas pouring out of it. Instead of resting, I was told to do thing after thing after thing. Each thing that could have simply been done by the person telling me to do the tasks.
I finished what I was told to do and was thanked for what I did, but my dad walked away pissed because I didn’t do something the exact way he wanted, even after simply telling me to do it-not how to do it. “Worthless” was the first word that came to mind and hasn’t found it’s way out, even after two hours. I try, I do what I’m told, but it’s never enough. And of course, when one thing goes wrong, and one bad thought comes to mind, it’s like filling a glass of water a bit too much and having it all come pouring out.
My emotionless good life sorted itself out the moment my dad walked away pissed and the word “worthless” popped into my head. Things that I’ve brushed off came back to haunt me. Things that I thought have been going pretty well came back to mind with flaws and self-faults of why it’s not working out the way it should be. Everything wrong, anything not perfect became my fault. My father didn’t even have to tell me I was doing something wrong. The simple action of my dad in that moment spoke all the thoughts he used to speak to me and came with all the feelings I used to feel.
Today, I felt worthless for the first time in months. My day off, a morning spent with a friend left an expectation for the rest of the day to be wonderful. Somehow, in a single moment, my mood went from good, to shitty. Things were looking up and flipped to me not wanting to do anything but lay in my bed and sleep. My sense of worth plummeted, my mood plummeted, and I had once again understood how someone’s mood can change so, so quickly. \
-Stage 5 came a couple weeks before I graduated high school. Mom and I fought for a few months on everything, but one day she walked into my room and finally threw me the manila folder that held the only answers I would ever receive. In some twisted way, I was excited to open that folder. Perhaps I assumed the answers would all pour out. Instead, I turned the folder upside down and out came two single sheets of paper, and one packet of paper. This was it. These sheets held the answers to my questions. Or maybe they would just leave me with more questions.
I started off with the single sheet addressed to you. The tears came as soon as I read “Christa Marie”. I can’t sit here and tell you much for I simply was never told about the details, but goodness did his love pour off that piece of paper. I think you knew that. Deep down, no matter what, I think you knew it. But I suppose I’ll never know the answer to that.
I then unfolded the next single sheet of paper. Typed out, one page long. Something so generic, so disappointing in so many ways. That single sheet of paper told me more about you than I knew. I knew you were pretty and smart and everything you put on display. Never did I know the side that you hid, the side that you stored away in those journals of yours. Time froze when I opened the folder, and somehow I was still frozen in time, just like the words on this page. The anger, the pain, I didn’t know. I wish I would have known. If only I knew back then.
The last thing in the folder came with my last chance to answer anymore unanswered questions. (I still had so many). One of the scariest things I’ve ever read. So simple, so generic like the last piece of paper I read. But this time I read the same thing over and over and over, just in different words, different perspectives from different people. When I reached the last word on the last page, I wasn’t filled with excitement, content, happiness, or even sadness. In that moment, I think I was so empty, that I sat there static for awhile. So many questions, so little answers. That folder was my last chance at any hope of understanding the choices that were made in a time of pain.
The papers in that folder left me empty.
You left me empty.
After a week, constant fighting with my parents, and school finals being thrown somewhere in the middle of everything, I found what I needed. No, I didn’t find my answers. Those still rest in the back of my head and come to mind from time to time. I’ve even made up answers to most of my questions to comfort myself when they resurface again. The strangest thing occurred, and I’m sure if you’re looking down on me, checking up, you know what happened. A time of complete chaos. A night of the fighting and yelling and shutting myself away from everyone somehow ended with exactly what I needed: peace and rest.
-Since I graduated high school, I haven’t thought of you much. That night I found my peace was the day I let the pain of everything go. Of course I still get sad at times, and I still think of you from time to time but I don’t feel the pain that covered me for years. I suppose I don’t remember as much as I thought I did from our childhood together. I remember more from those last three days than from the prior ten years. But the things I do remember are the days you came over and shared your laugh with everyone. The times we shared together are truly some of the best times I can look back on. The simplicity of life back then, the happiness in the air when you came around. Everything was perfect when my big sister was around.
-I’ve learned a lot from that single choice you made. For years, my life was shaped around that decision, and I’m still learning today how to shape my life around other things: things I love, people that stick around, and God. I came to learn the harsh reality of living with grief and living without you. Ten years old, I was so young, so fragile and one day life dropped me on the side of the road with nothing but the decision you made and left me there for years. I learned what it meant to be alone. I learned what it meant to hate someone. I learned what it meant to forgive someone.
My life suffered when you decided to end your suffering. And in no way do I hate you for that. I suppose in the heat of the moment, at my rock bottom, and time to time now I still get angry with you, upset with you, hurt by what you did. But I can’t change that, and oh God did it take me years and years to figure that one out. But I learned how to fall in love with music. For awhile, it was all I had. Friends left, family drifted, but music was always right there.
You taught me to be more understanding of people, to smile at people, to want to get to know people. I am more aware of those around me that are hurting. I see the signs now. I know what to look for. I’m sorry I didn’t see those things on you. I’m sorry I wasn’t looking for how I could save you. I’m sorry I never saved you.
I have learned the power of words, both positive and negative. The affects of both have shown in my life over the years. The importance of letting those you care about know that you love them. The impact it has on people. You have constantly been teaching me so much since you’ve been gone. I just wish you could have stuck around when teaching me everything.
-I walk around today with my head held a little higher than it was the day you left. A part of me left the day you finally let go, but I’ve been able to fill that part of me again with the music and friends that I am ever so grateful to surround myself with.
-I see you. Whenever I get in the boat, when I pass a softball field, even the way a stranger smiles at me. Everyday, I see you the way I knew you back then. I no longer look for the darkness to remind myself that you are gone, but I look at the beauty around me and know that you’re out there somewhere, laughing at me every time I make a stupid joke. I know that you are proud of me when I accomplish something in my life. I know that you miss me just like I miss you, all the time. But I know that you’re not suffering anymore. And somehow, I’m not suffering anymore either.
If I could do it all over again, I would have told you I love you more. I would have clung to your more. I would have made you promise to come back that last day I saw you. But I know that things can’t change, and I’ve come to accept that you’re gone. The only thing I can do is thank you for somehow being there to teach me the important things most people forget about today. I wasn’t there when you were struggling, but I know that you have been there with me every step of the way, helping me get to the point in my life where I am at today. I don’t get to see you graduate college, or walk down the aisle, or have children, and you don’t get to be here when all of those things happen to me.
The decisions I make today come with the knowledge of what you’ve taught me over the years. I just hope that wherever you are, that you’re looking down on me, constantly being proud of who I have become and whom I am heading towards becoming everyday.
You’re my strength.
Love you so much.
-advice to bands
was reminded of so, so much this last week.
thanks elevators for bringing me up when i was down
//“I experienced something tonight I haven’t in such a long time.”
There’s something about live music. I don’t know if it’s being surrounded by a bunch of people with the same love you have. Perhaps it’s seeing the facial expressions, the energy, the passion on the stage that comes from every member of the band. Maybe I just like listening to the music so, so loud, that my heart rumbles with the bass. But whatever the case, I fall in love with music all over every time I go to a show.
Tonight i saw my favorite band do a full band set for the first time in almost a year. I’ve seen them multiple times since last year, but it’s been all acoustic. Acoustic shows are some of the coolest things to go to and having those intimate shows to go to were so fun. But there’s also something about full band sets. Tonight, I went to a full band set and wish I could accurately express my feelings. The feelings I get from seeing my favorite people. The feelings I get from watching them live out their dreams. The feelings of being around my best friends at a show. The only way I know how to put it is: tonight, my heart was overflowing.
I was proven wrong, once again, by my favorite band. There are times I go months without seeing them and my mind wanders to different things-life gets busy, and they’re not physically here so they make their way down my list of important things. I had told myself a few months ago that they weren’t important at all. That I had “finally moved past the ‘music’ stage in my life”. But tonight came with the feeling of knowing that I’ll never get past this “stage” in my life. Anytime I’m doubting my love for this band or for music in general, I see them live and am reminded why I got into going to shows and why I love music so, so much.
Freedom is what I experienced tonight. A sense of knowing my love for my favorite band. The appreciation of watching these guys on stage, living out a life they’ve all dreamed of. Three years ago they were off promoting their music outside of venues. Today, they took the stage for the first time on their first full-length headlining tour. I filled my lungs with their lyrics as my ears were filled with their music and my heart was filled with my love for them.
I was reminded of a lot tonight:
- how to love a group of people with my whole heart
- what live music can do to a person
- what freedom feels like
I experienced feelings tonight that I experienced the first time I saw them- something so incredible to be able to do over and over and over again.
My love for this band is indescribable because my heart is full of so much. Tonight, that love came back and I am so happy to be able to experience what I did tonight.
Goodness, do I love this band with everything i have. \